Recovering from abuse...

I have found that everyday is just as hard as the previous day. There never seems to be any down time for the brain after you've been in an abusive relationship. And I do want to let everybody know who reads this that there is always hope for tomorrow. Although I question this constantly, somehow I managed to see every tomorrow. I never imagined that I would be spending the latter part of my life questioning everything I have thought for the last 25 years. Specifically March of 2016 until today.

Part of my problem is I love to drive. There's something about hitting the open road and just looking at everything around me, getting a breath of fresh air, not being in any type of dwelling, but mostly trying to look at things that don't remind me so much of the past of abuse. But then again, even the open road brings back memories that haunt me and makes me question every single detail from April of 2016 to April 2017. I do know that it takes a really sick person to plot any type of Revenge for 20 years and try to destroy me and my family.

I tried to remember things that used to make me happy but they're are few and far between because everything was affected during that year. For example, I'm on a road trip right now. I look at every semi, every vehicle, and even if there is a vehicle broke down on the side of the road I look to see who it is. I don't know if it's because I'm scared it is going to be who I think it is, or if I would be excited just to have one last glance at his face. And then I'm reminded at the road trips that we had. And you really begin to wonder if they meant anything to start with or if everything was just part of a master plan to tear me down after 20 years. And then I realized that it was a very good act. As I think back on the conversations that we had during road trips there was really no substance to them. I've always been a futuristic kind of girl. I like planning for tomorrow, next year, the next five years, up to my retirement. There's always obstacles that get in the way but you just look past them and keep going. Life is always better when you have someone to love and love you back. And life isn't absolutely perfect when two people can understand that each one is an individual and needs to grow individually as well as the other. When someone tries to take control of your every move you know it's going to be bad.

And still yet I was stupid enough to continue to stay. And as I travel the highway, looking at all the stripes down the middle of the road, each one of those stripes is just signifies a painful memory. I don't know if anyone else has ever tried to count stripes on the highway, but I can tell you there's too many to count and that still doesn't seem to add up to the nightmares that run through my brain.

I have probably rented about 10 cars in the last 2 years. Today is no different. I'm driving another rental car since the expedition was rear-ended about 10 months ago. I remember him saying he wishes I would just get hit by a bus. Well, fortunately I wasn't hit by a bus, but some other driver who was not paying attention rear-ended the vehicle that we had bought together for me to drive. And now that I'm at another mile marker, on the highway as well, I just think about everything that has to do with the expedition. He worked hard on it to put in a new stereo which was very thoughtful. The heater core in the expedition was always a problem and he seem to keep up with that as well. All I can think about is what it was like to deal with a sociopath, narcissist, jealous, controlling, and hateful person. He was kind enough to lock me out of the expedition and leave me with another vehicle that he knew I could not work on. He's mechanically inclined, so he says. I think every vehicle he work done broke down and we had to have other people fix them or they are just permanently retired. Oh, I'm starting to wonder... So I guess I should get back to the road trip.

He always seem to fascinate me with having to prove himself to be the best. I'm not the best at anything. I don't believe in throwing my political views on people. I don't believe in calling people horrible names because of their political views including children. Well let me rephrase. They are adults that are our children (in marriage). They have grown up to be exactly who they are supposed to be. And I hope that all of them can eventually see that he's completely lost in his own mental world. But to harm any woman or child should never be in anyone's mind. And I personally think that the only thing he thought about day and night was how to torture anyone near him.

I can't help but wonder if there was ever going to be any equality. I'm never going to ask to have the garage unlocked so I may use a screwdriver. My daughters are never going to ask to use the air compressor in the garage to fill up my grandson's tire. I'm never going to ask if I can drive my own vehicle. And now that I'm on a road trip all by myself it feels rather good knowing that I don't have to answer to anyone. I can stop along the way take pictures of the beautiful scenery with my camera without anyone questioning why I would be doing that. I can stop and have a cup of coffee in any little cafe that I want to, when I want to, and where I want to. It is very heartbreaking to know that the man that I have loved for 25 years I won't be taking any road trips with for the rest of our lives. It saddens me to know that he is probably so angry at life that he will probably be alone for many years. I have talked to my adult children and we are trying to set up plans to start traveling more often just to get me out of the house that I live in due to the constant nightmares from his house. My family and my friends are ready to take a road trip for the holidays as well.

I have some pretty fantastic gentleman friends that have helped me get out of the abuse that we all were in. They are extremely understanding about my emotional outbursts when things are triggered. So as in any abusive relationship it really is just one day at a time. I have some other friends similar situations as mine and they have been my rock. well I'm going to stop and take a break and look at some scenery, enjoy the fresh air and just try to remember that this drive is for me. The one thing you forget about an any type of abusive relationship is the fact of how important you are to yourself.

I hope that others will read my blog as I go through recovering from abuse. I don't want anyone to think that they are all alone, they deserved it, or they have no one to talk to. If you don't think that you are going to make it mentally, I'm more than willing to share my experiences and how I am getting through them.

if you are in an abusive relationship now, please remember to document everything. Keep a journal, cake videos, and take pictures everyday. there are some of us who would rather just get out of a deadly situation with minimal harm, but I know that some want the abuser to really pay for what they've done. I had more than enough evidence to proceed with a high-class marital tort including two convictions. I did not go that route. But I did get a no contact order for the rest of our lives because that is what he wanted. He is Forgiven so I can move on, he got 95% of the marital assets, he got his wish and never talking to me again, and I have mine and my family's life. And my attorney didn't cost very much. I can tell you from experience that hiring the best attorneys will not always save an abuser from going to jail. He had the best attorneys and still lost against me and my daughter in two court cases where we did not even have an attorney. so take my advice if you're being abused and document everything, every hour, every day, every week until you are finally in a safe place. and the victims of crimes organization is fantastic if you need help with moving expenses and counseling.

Throughout the next year I am going to break into my huge black tote and share some of the abuse I endured. It will help others to know that things like this do happen behind closed doors. Things happen right in front of your neighbors and they do nothing to protect the innocent (including children). It happens at the work place. It happens while you're sleeping! Make no mistake... The pain of losing the one you love (because it's not really love) is less painful than losing your life for someone else.