Today is "Love Me" day!

Some days are just really hard to cope after a divorce that shouldn't have ever happen under the circumstances in which it did. My heart, my soul, every thought, every dream, every fantasy, the past, in the future are all crying today.

My love is always unconditional. My love is my worst enemy in so many ways. Everyday I tried to improve my boundaries for myself, my family, and my friends.

I truly believe that the best part of unconditional love is forgiveness. There is no past. There is only today and tomorrow. And I will learn to live without my soulmate for every day in the future until my last breath. Also with forgiveness come see ability to do whatever it takes to make the one you love happy.

It just so happened that the one thing that will make this nightmare of memories go away it's to Grant his One Last Wish. And that is to never see or talk to me again as long as he lives. So in order to make him whole again and have a future of his own that Grant has been given in the divorce decree. A lifetime of no contact.

He never offered an apology for all of the horrific things that he did to myself, my adult children, and my little grandsons. As I watch the video tape of the criminal hearing, there was no apology. He just stood there. An apology would have made the biggest difference in my life. But the fact that there was no regrets from him let us both down a path of no return. And I hope he it's happy with the results. My whole family will live with this for the rest of our lives.

After 20 years, and I had grown up and learned what life is all about, I was so proud to be his wife again. This time we could both do it right and never make the same mistakes that we made when we were young. Unfortunately every one of those memories from 25 years ago came back to haunt me. And revenge carries pretty severe consequences. I have no regrets in any choices I have made in my entire life.

I had very limited happy moments. But I have a lifetime of documents, photographs, videos, legal paperwork, of every heartbreaking memory over the last 2 years. Still to this day I can't believe everything that he did and said. Most people I know would never forgive all of these acts of aggressive behavior but I love him. He is the only man I love. The only man I have ever loved from the moment I saw him. And he is the only man I will never see or talk to you again. That is the most excruciating pain that I don't wish upon anyone. And equally painful is the mental damage done to my adult daughters who are looking forward to having their dad back in their life to love and support them. Instead they were degraded and every possible fashion for my mistakes from when I was there age.

So I'm starting a new life. Which I have done many times before so I'm not too worried about the outcome. I know I am much smarter than the mistakes I made again with having him in my life. I started off by cutting of foot off of my hair. It was actually down to the middle of my ass. Then I got rid of the expedition. The one vehicle that we bought as he expressed that he needed me to be safe in a vehicle and have reliable transportation. Yet at the same time we wanted a vehicle big enough for our eight grandchildren home I never got a chance to know his side. We got rear-ended in the Expedition last year and I guess it was a blessing in disguise. They have to Total it out but it was stuck in the divorce and now that that's finalized I can get rid of The Nightmare vehicle at the battery took place over. Even the coffee stain that was left under the speaker cover on the passenger door would just bring tears to my eyes everytime I got into it. So needless to say I'm starting off with the new haircut and looking for a new vehicle. Even if the Expedition totaled I would have sold it for this year fact got the memories inside and outside of that vehicle are full of nothing but hate. So after I get a different vehicle I'll be getting rid of the Dodge Ram. It also has some Everlasting memories when I look at the broken back window and the broken radio. Let alone the fact that he loved me at a fast food place in the middle of an argument and actually took my daughter's vehicle back to the house. Any real man would have let the woman have the vehicle rather than walk the streets alone in the dark. but he says I'm a whore so I would probably enjoy being raped.

Although we all have Dalton's of text messages with all the verbal and written abuse, in every possible fashion that you could imagine, he is still forgiven. I wish him the best. I hope he can find someone in his life who he truly loves. I also hope that he can live the type of lifestyle that we talked about that would seem perfect.

I have gathered some of my friends that I've known from high school to give me strength, love, and support. that's what the any abusive relationship you learn to keep your friends and a very very far distance to protect them. And I truly thank the ones who stood by and actually protected us in person throughout the whole ordeal. The great news is that my oldest daughter is now engaged to the man who actually moved into the house to protect us all. Isn't that what a man is supposed to do? Protect women and children? Her fiance will do anything at anytime to protect the family. unfortunately at that time it had to be from my husband.

I will be forever grateful that I got to hold his hand, renew our vows, and enjoy planning a future together. That is one thing that my heart will always try to hang on to. But my brain will always know that this is like Satan versus Aphrodite.

I do hope that he realizes what a lucky man he was they have me as his wife. I can do amazing things. I will do amazing things. One of the amazing things that I did, that he probably doesn't even realize, is not pursuing any marital towards against him. With all the evidence in every possible Direction, every counselor that I've had to seek Refuge, every doctor's bill, every nightmare, every video, every damaged piece of property, and a guilty verdict on the battery charge, would have completely ruined him. But I'm not like him. Revenge is for cowards. The money would mean nothing and would never heal any of us. So he can consider himself lucky but he ended up almost all of the marital assets. Because in 10 years there will be no communication about how I stole his stuff that we paid for. I'm too old so stupid shit, and I'm too young to waste my life away. I have all of the assets that I need.

I'm excited to start my garden this year with my daughter and my grandsons. I'm getting ready to start traveling. And although I'm not a very social person I plan I'm going to more events to meet more people.

The strangest coincidences have been happening lately. It's like my nightmares come to life so I don't sleep which is become a pretty common factor for the last 2 years. But my grandson had asked to ride is bicycle last night and of course I said yes. But out of the blue he said Grandma iMac remember when Grandpa lock my bike up in the motorhome? All I could do is say yes and that will never happen again. I love you, and he went riding his bicycle.

So in my keepsake drawer I have my $65 engagement ring that he bought, my $500 rose gold wedding ring that is engraved that I bought, and a smashed-up 25 year old gold wedding band. And there's only one small item that I wanted more than anything. I'm sure he burned it or throw it away. An unlimited amount of money will never replace certain things that are attached to the heart.